how to say goodbye

i decided to say goodbye to him. goodbye to our friendship. i have always thought it is great that we’re friends. but the more he says it, the more he brings it up, it cuts me deeper and deeper. i tried, i TRIED, to be cool with it, but no, it’s hurting, every single time he says it. i have been crying myself to sleep almost everyday this year. over him, over ahma, over stress, over sin. help me, Lord. help me please.

i feel insecure, hopeless and unsure. 

he has many many close girl friends whom he treasures. some of them do have feelings for him..and he is affectionate with them. i am, i am..insecure.

we are in different stages of our lives, that itself is hard. i’ve always hoped for him to say that we’ll wait for each other together..always hoped for him to say..but its my wishful thinking..things are actually hopeless.

yes, we are all unsure of the future. all of us. there will be nothing left for me when ahma goes. and i saw a vision of heaven’s gates opening. Lord, you will take me with ahma too, right?

heart

i once asked God, how is it possible to love God and a man at the same time?

i don’t have a direct answer, but my heart tells me clearly. love God.

i am gonna stand firm, set my eyes on You, and i pray Lord that You’ll restore every bit of my heart to its orginal wholesomeness and strength. a heart that is completely surrendered to You. all the feelings i have for him, please do take them away. it is only right.

heaven

“Think about the things of heaven, not the things of earth.” Col 3:2

Lord, when the time is up for you to take my ahma to heaven, can i go along too?

it is a place i have never dreamt of. some say they’ve been there and it is a white, peaceful place above the clouds. i’ve heard a song which goes ‘knock knock knocking on heaven’s door..’

will You open the door for us, Lord?

i do hope there’s a beautiful green garden up there…i really have no idea. but i know it is a place i’m dying to go. yes, dying to go.

i’d be praying hard for this everyday. i want to see you soon, Lord and stay with you for all eternity. in heaven, with You, with ahma, nothing ever matters anymore. 

i ask, not cos i find life hard, but heaven is my destination. it’s a simple life i’m after,Lord. a life with You.

too close

i am really trying hard to stay away.cos i feel its best this way.

its good now that we aren’t too close. lest i get greedy for another dose.

See You Soon

Hello Mr Friend, I hope the Lord will lead me to you soon.

It’s been a year. Time passes really fast, and feelings fade even faster.

I’ve made a decision, and I’m gonna try hard to stand firm. That is, not to even hope that there’s a chance of us being together. And most importantly, to focus on praising Him, talking to Him and simply, being happy and positive in everything. Why, cos He made us and gave us life. What’s the point in being negative and sad when this life that we’ve been painstakingly given deserves all the thanksgiving? His sacrifice itself is worthy, so worthy of our joy and happiness, prayer and praise.

Well, I think I’ve been a little silly too. Thinking that a few hugs and kisses meant that he was serious and ready to commit. Am I asking too much? For commitment? Not at all, cos every lady deserves to be with the man who really treasures her. I feel that if a guy is really serious about you, he will definitely squeeze out pockets of time to be with you. After all, quality time is my love language.

I feel really happy whenever I see couples (married couples). Because I know, its not easy to be IN a relationship, furthermore to MAINTAIN it. It take two to clap. There is so much to learn in every relationship, but I trust, and always have placed my hope in Him. He knows my deepest desire, and will guide me through every life lesson. 

So, see you soon Friend! 

Quality Time

thank you Lord for giving me an insight into the meaning of quality time.

i gained a deeper understanding of quality time through Gary Chapman’s book. quality time, as i knew, was simply to spend time with a cherished person, be it God, ahma, family or friends.

but quality time, as i understand now, is to spend time sincerely with your cherished one. to listen attentively to the person, to give your full attention, to make this special person laugh/smile and, to enjoy every moment together with your loved ones. 

as Mr Chapman wrote it “…give her 20 minutes of my undivided attention, and she does the same for me, we are giving each other 20 minutes of life. We will never have those 20 minutes again…”

so today, i feel especially blessed to be taking a nap with ahma, watch her sleeptalk and listen to stories of her in-laws cousin’s daughter and her father’s neighbour’s eerie encounters. simply simply, to lie beside her chatting aimlessly. ahma and me always have had moments like this, but today, God put something extra in our moments together. 

honestly, time is ticking for her and she knows it. i fear it, but not as much as she does. she is the one going through it.. i know Jesus will always be there for her, but fear is present. nothing evil is behind fear, it just comes naturally. but i have more faith than fear. Faith in Jesus. knowing that He will guide her every step of the way.. 

simple life, i’m back!

Alone in Time

00:21 Time is what God uses to teach us and lead us into new chapters of our lives.

11:11 His timing is always perfect.

14:35 Made a solo trip to the Hermes Time Exhibition i’ve been so excited about. I had all the time i had to run errands, doze on the bus and get lost along the way. 

15:00 Time is really simple to understand. It moves forward, and we follow. Like a butterfly thats fluttering ahead of us, we simply let ourselves walk steadily towards it. Time is always a mystery as it belongs to God, not humans. Memories belong to us though. We should always be conscious to spend time with people who are truly important to us, and us important to them. 

17:40 We are constantly losing time. We are made with a limited life span. But the whole meaning to life is knowing who your Creator is right at the moment you end you know how you begun.

00:01 We all belong to the same God. Im glad i have time to know Him more. 

timeout is a bitter chocolate

bruises, stress, tears and muscleaches make up the worst week of my life this year. what does it mean to truly care for someone special? is it to be there for them when they need you most, or to let them go their own way?
maybe, that special place isnt there anymore..

The Love Pie: 100% for God, 20% for him

Hope: we can never have too much of it. Even if it means falling into a discouragement pit, it’s still worthwhile to carry hope.

Love: we can never fully understand it. But God is continuously teaching us who, where, what, why, which and how to love. Daily. Because God is love. Loving is His nature. Being loved is His desire.

I came across a poem by a devout Christian, Christina Rossetti. I was wondering how is it possible to love God and love a man, at the same time. I’ve had a mentality set for my future relationship, that it won’t be a balance. I want to be in a relationship where i love God more than my husband, and I want a husband who loves God more than me. 

Her poem, Monna Innominata, is an intensely written expression of her love for God and her lover, which warms the thinking bulb of mine and lots of thoughts ran through:

Overflowing: The way God loves is way too much for us to emulate and pour onto another man.

Giving: Our love for a person is often confused with many things in today’s world.

Letting: Letting it be. Respecting and putting Him, Him and him before self.

OVERFLOWING

He loves us even though we have sinned. Umpteen times we have sinned, yet He takes us in regardless and forgives, and loves us over and over again. He stands true to His word even at our wandering. It is so overwhelming His love, and only right that we love Him more than anything in the world. Our love for our families, friends or lover can never be compared to His love for us, our families, friends and lovers.

GIVING

Giving is God’s priority. He gives us an ever full attention, love and concern. He thinks for us. In relationships today, we give less, wanting to receive more and desiring the wrong things. That’s where the wavy line between love and lust lies. God’s love is agape. An unselfish outgoing concern for others, and loving someone more than your own life. Simply put, its 100% you, 0% me.

The end of the line lies lust, a sin constantly highlighted in the Bible. The desire to have what not to have. It is something which is prevalent in us humans. We desire materialistic items, desire someone else’s possessions, desire to be with a certain someone, all in the name of our selfish desire to pleasure ourselves. Simply put, its 0% you, 100% me.

LETTING

Many say, to love is to let go. It is true to a certain extent. God lets us make our own decisions. We are free moral beings who know right from wrong. We know deep down the right way to go, but constantly fight an inner war with our desires before taking the right actions. God’s way of love is to really put others before Himself, knowing what’s the best and only wanting the best for thee. And this, I wanna learn. I know deep down what is the best for him, and I should do just that. To sum it up, a quote from The Greatest Irony of Love expresses it well “Loving someone means giving them the freedom, whom they choose to be and where they choose to go. Loving someone means giving them the freedom to find their way, whether it leads towards you or away from you.”

Thats what cooks up my entry title, The Love Pie: 100% for God, 20% for him. I’ve decided, it can’t be 50/50.

Well, love is a troublesome thing.